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Federal Government Girls College Owerri • View topic - JOKES

JOKES

Discuss daily and general issues

Postby darinka » Sat Aug 25, 2007 8:51 am

Weruche, :smt043 :smt043 :smt043 :smt043 :smt043 :smt043
< God loves me immensely (John 3:16)
HE thinks about me all the time. Ps.139:17-18
HE knows my name. John 10:13
Therefore, I am not anonymous to God.
Alleluia!!! >
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Postby weruche » Wed Aug 29, 2007 3:42 pm

There was this very rich Ibo man in Nnewi who had only one daughter.

When the daughter was of marriage age, the father sent news around town, that all the eligible young men should come out on a particular day to compete in a test which would determine who was fit to marry his daughter.



On that set day, all the able-bodied young men came out. Some came with paper and biro and others with cutlasses and swords. The rich man took them to his swimming pool and addressed the men: "any of you who can swim from one end of this swimming pool to the other would marry my daughter. In addition, I'll give him 50 million naira, a car and a house so they can start off life well. I shall be waiting to meet my son-in-law at the other side. Good luck!"



As the young men, all very excited at the prospect of winning, started taking off their shirts, a helicopter came over the pool and dropped snakes and crocodiles into the pool. Immediately all the men turned back and started wearing their shirts again. Disappointed, some of them said "make de man go marry im pikin joo!"



All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched in amazement as one gentleman struggled his way across, avoiding the snakes and crocodiles. Finally, he made it to the other side as the would-be in-law, panting. The rich man could not believe it. He asked the man to name anything he wanted. The man was still breathless, panting uncontrollably.



Finally, he got himself together and made his request, saying, "...show me the pesin wey push me inside di swimming pool"



Moral of the story: "You don't know what you are capable of doing until you are pushed.”
...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. ( Phil. 3: 13-14)
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Postby dubem » Wed Sep 12, 2007 12:28 pm

A woman wanted 2 reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, she instructed her son 2 use his own phone 2 pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After Junior has called, he got back 2 Mommy 2 inform her that there was a lady that picked up Daddy's phone d three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile. She waited impatiently for her husband 2 return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway; she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure. People from d neighborhood rushed around to find out what d cause of the commotion was. d woman asked Junior to tell everybody what d lady said to him when he called. Junior said: ''d subscriber u have dialed is not available @ d moment, pls try again l8r
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever I allow into my world becomes my reality

To the degree that we seek the approval of men, we will compromise our obedience to Christ - Rick Joyner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Postby nkay » Fri Nov 02, 2007 10:50 am

The following conversation took place between a female nursery 2 teacher and a four year old student named John.

Teacher: Johny, if you stone and kill one out of three birds perching on a branch, how many birds will be remaining?


Johny: None.


Teacher: Why?


Johny: Bcos the other two will fly away.


Teacher: Hmm, this is a maths class, and the answer is two, but I like your sense of reasoning.


Johny: Excuse me ma, can I ask you my own question?


Teacher: Yes Johny, go ahead.


Johny: Three women bought ice cream, one was scouping her's with a spoon, the other was licking her's, while the third was sucking her's. Which of them is married?


Teacher: Hmm, hmm, (blushing) the one that is sucking her's.


Johny: Nope, it is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your sense of reasoning too.

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Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing!"


The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."


The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned "Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."


The third lady who was African and black, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well they always search for the black box first?"

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Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two even claimed that he was still there!!!
"It is easier for us to believe in the wrath of God than in His mercy, for wrath is a feeling that is human while mercy is divine."
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Postby jezzy » Sun Nov 04, 2007 4:29 pm

A man saw an ad in the paper for a fully equipped Mercedes.He called the number listed there to confirm that the price was really not a scam.The seller confirmed that it wasn't and the man got in his car,sped over to go get the car before the seller changed her mind.On getting there,the man's curiosity got the better of him when he saw this splendid,fully loaded ride and he asked the lady why she was selling a fully equipped car for $50.And she said,"my husband ran off with his young secretary and asked me to sell his car and send him the money.''
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Postby nkay » Tue Nov 06, 2007 11:13 am

Disorder
...this one will crack you up...be ready to laugh till you drop...


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law, dumbass.

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Here's another one...

A goner indeed

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
* At 70 off came the pants.
* At 75 it was her bra...and
* At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
"It is easier for us to believe in the wrath of God than in His mercy, for wrath is a feeling that is human while mercy is divine."
nkay
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Postby jezzy » Wed Nov 07, 2007 1:06 am

Nkay,I'm not just laughing,I'm howling.OMG,my neighbors must think I've lost my marbles.Good work. :-D :-D :-D :-D :lol: :lol:
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Postby Ugbonma » Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:07 am

If u are a Guy, will u pass this test?
Ladies, be sincere with yourself. Will u have also passed this Test if you are Guy?



THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating or over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It
was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore
very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than
a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it
when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to
check
the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me
that
she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life
to
her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
and said, "We are

very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!"
And the moral of this story is:

........Guess what, I was heading for my car where I kept my condoms.
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Postby zika_anoka » Thu Nov 08, 2007 1:05 pm

Chineke e kwela ihe ojo...... :roll: :roll: :roll:
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Postby nkay » Thu Nov 08, 2007 1:34 pm

:lol: :lol: Zika no make me laugh abeg...
"It is easier for us to believe in the wrath of God than in His mercy, for wrath is a feeling that is human while mercy is divine."
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Postby dubem » Thu Nov 08, 2007 1:36 pm

Funny but sad...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever I allow into my world becomes my reality

To the degree that we seek the approval of men, we will compromise our obedience to Christ - Rick Joyner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dubem
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Postby zika_anoka » Fri Nov 09, 2007 5:29 pm

nkay wrote::lol: :lol: Zika no make me laugh abeg...


Nkay dis one na crying matter....The guy must be put on a leash with full insurance coverage ohhhh... make e no break the damsels heart :( :(
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Postby jezzy » Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:31 am

Buhahahahahahahahahahahahaha :-D .Phew!!
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Postby uluisrare » Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:37 pm

MY WEEK AT THE GYM

If you can read this through without laughing out loud....
well perhaps you should go yourself. This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
routine.

Dear Diary,

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Brenda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Brenda waiting for me. She is something of a
Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brenda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring! Brenda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it
in the whole time she was around.

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Brenda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brenda's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.

Brenda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I
got on the treadmill, so Brenda put me on the stair
'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brenda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some other stuff too.

THURSDAY:
Brenda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took
me that long to tie my shoes. Brenda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the restroom. She sent another skinny girl to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -
which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that girl Brenda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader! If
there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Brenda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Brenda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of
the Weather Channel

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so
I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little snot)
will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal
or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
If swimming is so good for you why are whales so fat?
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Postby jezzy » Wed Nov 14, 2007 3:08 pm

Bwahahahahahahahaha!I feel her.This is so very funny. :-D :-D

The first and last time I went to a gym,everyone there was toned and skinnier than me.I think they were all there to show off their bodies and must have wondered what a full-figured lady like was doing there crashing their vanity party.Mcheeeeeeeeeew!!!!
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