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Federal Government Girls College Owerri • View topic - JOKES

JOKES

Discuss daily and general issues

Postby dubem » Wed Nov 14, 2007 4:47 pm

Jeezy, if u call urself fullbodied, na wetin I go call mysef naaaa? :(

Ulum, this is hillarious, couldn't help laughing... :P
It was funny to see how the instructor evolved into a monster and her daughter into a devil's advocate :-D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever I allow into my world becomes my reality

To the degree that we seek the approval of men, we will compromise our obedience to Christ - Rick Joyner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Postby dubem » Tue Nov 20, 2007 11:07 am

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever I allow into my world becomes my reality

To the degree that we seek the approval of men, we will compromise our obedience to Christ - Rick Joyner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Postby chizor » Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:21 am

i like!!! very funny.
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

-Proverbs 16:3
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Postby blackbeauty » Thu Dec 06, 2007 7:56 pm

Trust me you can't read this at work if you love your job!!!! Enjoy this dialogue between a Nigerian man and an American telemarketer.


Ring.....Ring...Ring

Mr Okoro : Hello?

Telemarketer : Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetry in Bridge-

Mr Okoro : What?!!!

Telemarketer : If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you---

Mr Okoro : You reserved what for me.....A grave?

Telemarketer : A free burial space

Mr Okoro : What's the difference?

Telemarketer : Well the word "grave" can be scary sir, you can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtsey call to---

Mr Okoro : So as a telemarketer, you can pick up the phone and cold call people and pitch them with such offers?

Telemarketer :Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them --

Mr Okoro : Of course, who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definately interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before die right?

Telemarketer : I agree with u sir. You are so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.

Mr Okoro : I see say na u dem send come

Telemarketer : I'm sorry? Send....come?

Mr Okoro : Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come!

Telemarketer : I'm sorry sir, but i don't know what you are talking about.

Mr Okoro : I get fillage too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me gold circle condom protection, u hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person
own una dey like?

Telemarketer : I don't understand what you are saying--

Mr Okoro : You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch to you. You hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween? You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-colored winch....for my fillage, na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You go know beta winch when my own army land.

Telemarketer : I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way-

Mr Okoro : You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound offended? Why would i be offended because you- kindhearted telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old i am? 32 . In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them?

Telemarketer : I didn't mean anything-

Mr Okoro : You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare u wish me death--

Telemarketer : No, that's not what --

Mr Okoro : I DON'T CARE!!! Do you know how many years i worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 Years....Ejioku.....10!. Do u know how many laws i broke in so many countires before i found my way here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All the pepole who gave me loans to
buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because i am just nowable to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can even
begin to enjoy a little,.....ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e no go betta for you.

Telemarketer : E no....what?

Mr Okoro : Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for that yeye grave wey u don reserve for yaself.

Telemarketer : Are u cussing me sir?

Mr Okoro : cuss you ke? why should i? why would i want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my own local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country.

Telemarketer : I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.

Mr Okoro : See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish....Look, just aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?

Telemarketer : Some of them do have--

Mr Okoro : No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup dog for Hollywood, abi na wey u dey call from

Telemarketer : I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro : Before u hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them a free burial space, and then try to get them expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and switch, right?

Telemarketer : I don't know what you're talking about.

Mr Okoro : You get pickin

Telemarketer : get picking? picking what?

Mr Okoro : You get pickin? u don born bomboy? make you dash your pickin thegrave now

Telemarkete r : Dash picking.....you're dissing me?

Mr Okoro : Diss? Dis one pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S, kiss- serious kiss of the death

Telemarketer : I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro : No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetry for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily times Obituary section--

Telemarketer : Thats mean! you can't talk to me like that just because i am a telemarketer. We are people too

Mr Okoro : Yes, bad people....people who call to trick me at all kinds of hours into buying something i don't want.

Telemarketer : I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!

Mr Okoro : My juju go don finish you before you reach the place. Winch pass winch! you no go die betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase first, make you waka enter k-mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side- before dem finish you!...... She reserve grave......why you no take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta for ---hello? you hang up?
why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.
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Postby uluisrare » Fri Dec 07, 2007 5:12 am

i have read this before but each time i read it, i end up sputtering like an engine and laughing over and over...
now my throat is itching me from all the laughing...
did u notice where he said he wld reserve the whole cemetry for all the marketer's unborn kids and a full page in the obituary section too...
o di egwu o.. see frustration... hahahaha
If swimming is so good for you why are whales so fat?
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Start your day with a Smile!!!!!

Postby blackbeauty » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:59 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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Postby stellaukaoma » Wed Dec 26, 2007 9:24 pm

Nice one!
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Postby dorisikee » Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:36 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: very nice indeed
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Postby horizon » Sat Dec 29, 2007 5:35 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: the wong's funny
e don happen
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Postby blackbeauty » Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:33 am

The Queen,Clinton & Obasanjo went straight to hell and met the
devil.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; Please I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5 minutes, and then she asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the States, I wanna see how every godamn guy is doing out there.
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me too go call Nigeria o jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. If they don bring light. I go to talk to the ministers, to my special advisers, to the PDP, to INEC and EFCC, to everybody... ..
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked, "Well, Devil, can I have my bill????
The devil says "One thousand Naira".
Obasanjo is stunned & says; "Otio!! One thousand Naira??? Only one thousand Naira kpere??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local !
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Postby zika_anoka » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:01 am

Just ran into this joke, it made me hungry...

This is a conversation b/w a teacher and a pupil in Classroom in Sapele: Teacher: You Boy, spell plantain Boy: Whish one? The ripe one abi the unripe one abi the one for farm? Teacher: Shuo !! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain! Boy: Teasha, If you see am for farm na OGEDE, If you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', if you fry the unripe one na 'SHIPS', if you roast am, na 'BOLE', all of dem na plantain, so whish one you wan make I spell nah !
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Postby zika_anoka » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:04 am

Another one

Obasanjo, MKO & IBB




Obasanjo, MKO, and IBB took a ride on a helicopter to tour Nigeria 's countryside.



When the helicopter flew by a village, the people rushed out to watch.
In a moment of joy, IBB threw a 20 Naira bill out of the helicopter.
Turned to the other two and said,



"There will be a very happy Nigerian down there."



Saying nothing, MKO counted 20 one Naira bills and threw them out the chopper. With a broad smile, he said,



"I just made twenty more Nigerians happy."



Then, MKO and IBB looked at Obasanjo with anticipation.



Obasanjo grinned and shook his head,



"You two don't understand a thing about Nigeria. I could make 100
million of them happy just by jumping out of this helicopter."
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Postby zika_anoka » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:07 am

One more

A jet airliner is in trouble due to a fuel leak.



The captain comes on the radio and states they are jettisoning all luggage to save weight and make it to an airport. A few minutes later, he asks the passengers to toss out everything even their seat covers and stand if necessary.



This still isn't enough so he asks for volunteers to jump out. Of course no one comes forward. He then says,"since otherwise we crash and all die, I'll do this alphabetically..



"Are there any African-Americans on board?"



No one comes forward.....



"Are there any Blacks on board?"



No one comes forward....



Are there any Coloreds on board?"



Still nothing...



Back at their seat, a little Black girl turns to her mother and asks,



"Momma, aren't we all those things?"



The mother looks down and replies, "No honey, today we are Negroes."
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Postby zika_anoka » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:15 am

Final one

An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Postby adore » Thu Jan 17, 2008 9:42 am

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their
chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear
anything that would identify them as clergy.


As soon as the plane landed, they headed for astore and bought
some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.


The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying
their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop
dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking
straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.


When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on
by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize
them as priests?


The next day they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits -
outfits so loud you could hear them coming
before you even saw them. Once again,
they settled down on the beach to
enjoy the sunshine.


After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them.
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said
"Good morning Father," and walk away.


One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Just a minute young lady,"
he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know:
how in the world did you know we are priests?"


"Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.(civil rights leader)
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